Couples Counselling ~ The 12 Principles of a True Relationship
Updated: May 18, 2022
Lets have a conversation about YOur Relationship.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets Girl. Boy meets Boy. They meets Them and so it goes. Many formulas of the same recipe. A relationship that is either destined to flourish or guaranteed to dive.
What is your relationship like?
If we were to simplify the whole subject we could develop principles that hold and honour the standard of your relationship. Lets work from the first and foremost principle that we are already whole and enough. Not two halves making a whole but whole and whole, walking together through life. We are all beautiful within, but often we carry behaviours and beliefs and patterns into our relationships that can get in the way of how we relate together.
THE 12 PRINCIPLES OF A TRUE RELATIONSHIP …
SETTING THE STANDARDS
1. THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE
What is true love?
True love is not a doing, it is a way of being. True love is an emanation. A quality that comes from within you. It’s a stillness from within that offers others space, observation and deep understanding. Love is not needy or conditional. Love does not impose on another person. Love is something that develops from you, due to your connection with your own essence and the continuing development of your self-care and nurturing. You cannot love another without first loving you. This includes your partner, family and all those in your life.
Do you love you?
2. EVOLUTION & PURPOSE
Why do we have relationships?
There is only one thing greater than love in this world and that is purpose. When you meet someone whether it be a friend, colleague or lifelong partner, there will be a certain reason for that relationship. Is the relationship there to heal you, to advance you as a person or to represent something by way of reflection to the world? Each of you will bring a certain flavour to the relationship, both asked to be responsible for your own ability to show up and bring your all.
Every relationship that we say yes to, offers us evolution.
This could be to become more aware, to heal our own hurts, to work together in some capacity or to deepen our understanding of what life is and how it could be lived.
Purpose and evolution go hand in hand when it comes to the success of any relationship. It is the fuel to the fire.
What is it about your relationship that is purposeful?
3. INTIMACY, TRUE CONNECTION, THE TEAM
Into me I see.
Intimacy is not just about throwing our clothes off and being naked. Although it is a form of nakedness. Intimacy is deepening our connection with our sensitive selves and being willing to show this to others. Being open, transparent and vulnerable. Showings our delicateness and our grandness. The more you connect to the deepest you, the more you can enjoy an enriching relationship with another. This of course supports true connection. True connection can only occur when we are connected to our own hearts and bodies. As a team whether at work or as lovers we have a commitment to being open and always turning to each other with the understanding that we are united as one. True connection, intimacy and being a team are vital ingredients to a successful relationship.
Are you transparent and open?
4. RESPECT AND DECENCY
Respect and decency are the bottom line.
Relationships can be tough. We are working with different backgrounds and lives and beliefs and unresolved issues. But the bottom line for any relationship must be respect and decency. Respect others when you speak to them. Show the same respect that you would to a stranger. No one owes you anything. No one is your outlet for bad behaviour and abuse. Decency is the bottom line and when you drop below this, stop and walk away until you are settled and have regulated yourself. When you feel that you cannot hold your frustration or temper or need to be right, stop and walk away.
Where is your life have you dropped your standards?
5. HONESTY/trust commitment
Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others.
Before we can be truthful to ourselves and others we much first be honest. The honesty starts with our connection to our bodies and listening to them speak to us. Not with words but in how they feel. The honesty is then in the way we communicate how we feel and what we observe. Without honesty, there is no foundation for a relationship and it becomes an arrangement. You do that for me and I will do this.
Honesty supports trust. Let your guard down and be your vulnerable self and people will melt.
Where are you not honest with your partner? What stops you?
6. ACTIVE LISTENING
We all want to be heard and understood.
The most loving thing you can bring to any relationship is the art of truly listening. This means no projection, no butting in, no assumptions and no reinterpretations. Stop and listen to the other person with your full body. Be willing to hear what is said without filtering it. Watch their body and movements and give them space to speak and open up. Let go of judgement and simply allow the space to hold them. Ask that they consider this with you also. Be willing to be heard and speak with gentleness and honesty.
Are you actively listening?
7. COMMUNICATION & EXPRESSION
We continually communicate with or without words. We do it with movements, gestures and unspoken and unseen thoughts and feelings.
Communicating with our partners is so vital it’s the glue that keeps the relationship together. Speak up. Say it like it is but always say it with clarity and care. Use words wisely and refrain from the laziness of swearing.
When we communicate we offer our partners an opportunity to express and develop a depth of understanding about us and themselves. Listening and speaking are all interwoven and the dance between the two is exact. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t be nice or polite be real and true. Speak from the depth of your body and always allow space for your partner to listen and be heard.
Where in your life are you playing nice?
8. HARMONY, JOY & PLAY
Without the fun what is there? Life can be so delightful but many of us get bogged down in the heavy stuff and leave the play behind. Relationships that work well have a lighter side to them also. Space to have fun, to laugh and to see the funny side. When you feel at ease with each other and allow the joy to be felt between you both, then the times that are tough can be handled more supportively because you have a foundation of harmony to hold you. So lighten up, and allow a little more ease into your relationship. It’s the magic that makes it grow. Choose harmony and notice your tone of voice.
What do you and your partner enjoy together?
Being transparent is not just spilling everything that’s on your mind. Transparency is the ability to literally let your guard down and allow yourself to be truly seen for who you are. The grander you feel the more others can see. The sensitivity the strength and the power you hold are all a part of you that should be felt and know to your partner. Be willing to be exposed for not knowing it all, for feeling a certain way. The lighter you are in your attitude and openness the more transparent. Be willing to be seen in full. This will support your partner to open up and do the same.
Do you feel the need to protect yourself? Do you hide?
10. SEX, ROMANCE AND TOUCH
Lovemaking doesn’t just happen in between the sheets and it’s certainly not just about sex. Learn to love your partner throughout the day by being open and connected and caring and available. Even if you are not spending the day together, it’s an energetic way of being. Speaking with respect and building the relationship will be more attractive to any lover than arguments and degradation. The way you move gently has an impact and your partner will be more likely to feel like having sex if you are sensitive, open and willing to be loving.
Romance is not always about roses and wine. Romance is not always about neck rubs and sexy lingerie either. True romance is found in the commitment and care each person brings to the relationship. The willingness to be connected and intimate with your partner is based on your connection to yourself. A walk with your loved one that is honouring and spacious is romantic. The joy of sitting together and connecting with your eyes and conversation is deeply romantic. Touching your partner with respect and fondness is romance on tap. Women love to be touched gently. Kissed gently, held with tenderness. So do men. So does everyone. Take your movements to the next level and watch not only your day to day love grow but the fire in the bedroom burn brighter. Have conversations with your partner about romance and love. Talk about it and get to know what each other understand and feel. This in itself is romantic.
Are you gentle with you partner?
11. APPRECIATION & ADORATION
What do you appreciate?
Without the foundation’s of the relationship that are appreciation and adoration, what have you got?
Start with yourself so you can appreciate another. Build this muscle like your an Olympian. Appreciation is all about feeling the grandness of who you are and not what you do. Once you have started to appreciate yourself then turn towards your partner or colleague and look at them with a new level of understanding and respect. Stay open to this and practice appreciation every single day. Start when you wake and finish when you sleep. Never assume anyone should just hang with you. Never place conditions on the relationship. No one owes you and no one is in charge of your destiny. You are. Be responsible for your own feelings and appreciate yourself to the core.
What do you appreciate about yourself?
12. SACREDNESS AND SELF LOVE
What is sacredness?
Sacredness is the part of us that is deep and universal. Hold yourself with respect and ask your partner to do the same. Keep your standards high and respect your body and the way you treat it. Self-love is key to any successful relationship. It starts with the simple acts of self-care like slowing down, health, sleep and the basics and builds as you build your relationship with your body and your daily life. When you love you, then you can love another. Until then your relationship will be based on needs, wants and arrangements. Milestones are new markers and don’t settle for less.
What are your standards in a relationship ?
Kathryn Fortuna offers Couples Counselling in person and online. If you feel that you need support, contact for details.